I've been thinking a lot about secrets lately, or more specifically: secrecy. The reason for this is that it has come up a lot in one of my courses. A big part of the discussion has been the role that secrecy plays in cycles of violence, especially domestic violence. After an individual 'acts-out' or commits the act of violence toward a child for example, it is secrecy that is fundamental for creating the space for rationalization and justification which pushes the individual back towards 'pretend normal' and restarts the cycle of violence.
I think this makes a lot of sense. Why rail against secrecy though? Well it is often very difficult to manipulate ourselves into justifying or rationalizing actions when we are not sitting on an island alone with those thoughts. Dwelling on the idea of secrecy brought to mind the Christian teachings of 'accountability' (for me that is, ultimately I think one would find this in many 'religious' teachings). And how even without discussing the idea of secrecy we stress accountability as a way of helping people deal with things they want to change. The thing is, while very beneficial, one might have a negative view of this because it seems all about finding out what people did wrong. The focus could be adjusted though. When we consider it is the secrecy, as we said, that creates the space for crazy rationalizations, accountability is basically just trying to remove this secrecy. Lets call it honesty, or lets call it "discussing odd stuff with trusted friends." My prof Judah was talking once about strategies in families to prevent abuses; one of the best being creating at atmosphere where there isn't secrets. I think often we tell ourselves, this person doesn't need to be troubled with that, or "some things are better left unsaid." Definitely some things are better left unsaid to everyone. But I don't think there is much of anything that is better left unsaid to anyone. It seems common sense - but don't you think communities could go a long way with just talking to each other about weird stuff.
The thing is, we need to go even further than just talking about it. I think sometimes in relationships of 'accountability' (or something resembling this idea) there can be a tendency sometimes to respond with contributions to the justification - this can even be the case in cycles of violence. In this case, it is possible that together the individuals in the relationship don't want to mess with whatever 'pretend normal' they have created, and are living under (possibly both 'benefiting' from). I ask that if I ever talk about things that seem out of the ordinary to readers of this that you would tell me that they are not normal! This is how one can break a cycle. One can continue to love and value the other even while bringing up the perspective that what is shared need not, or should not be the case.
Furthermore, this is a snowball. It only seems scary to share stuff when that isn't demonstrated by those around you. Communities which are honest with each other can be empowering.
