a bit of housekeeping

so, i think i spend too much time thinking about things that I say and write. for example - one reason i struggled to write thoughts out in this blog (other than making time to do it) is that I would write something out and then I would look at it and read it and think that my friends would think odd of me for writing that. In truth, at times I was afraid to be honest about what I was thinking - this is probably partly because what I am thinking is often dumb and should be vetted well - but at the same time I need to be willing to honest with thoughts as well. More importantly, I need to be willing to show my wrongness - because, honestly, I am wrong in thoughts a lot of the time. But those wrong thoughts are still a part of some larger whole - and i think it is probably valuable (humbling) that I am honest about those wrong thoughts too and ask for [gentle] correction from friends that would be kind enough to read said thoughts :).

so as such i feel much more appreciative about the whole cycle. with that said - i will still make one more note i was mulling over about my previous post. When I was talking about how it can be most difficult to be like Christ in social situations I want to clarify that I think this is not because of the people around us. It is because of our own desire to come across as who we want to come across as - it is because of how we care about how others view us - exactly what I was dealing with above. For our entire lives we have trained ourselves to *react* in social situations in order that the outcome would be that which we want to 'portray' to our friends and acquaintances. how unfortunate. but anyway - just was thinking about that a bit more today. a scary thought - but i better post it anyway exactly because i need to try and practice not being worried about some scary and stupid thoughts!

"No - I do not know Him!"

"The genius of the moral teachings of Jesus and his first students was his insistence that you cannot keep the law by trying not to break the law. That will only make a Pharisee of you and sink you into layers of hypocrisy." Dallas Willard, The Great Omission

Its true. I think this does not just make you a hypocrite - but can be a trigger to the struggle of anger. Trying NOT to break the law is a lonely and saddening pursuit, which then in turn means that when others around you fail in the ways that you are failing in - you can automatically react with anger - because what they do is making it difficult to do what you want to do. This is, in fact, entirely selfish, and another problem that arises out of this effort to simply not break the law.

"Instead, you have to be transformed in the functions of the soul so that the deeds of the law are a natural outflow of who you have become." Dallas Willard, The Great Omission

"When you try to 'bless those who curse you,' for example, trying will prove never to be enough; you have to be trained for that." Dallas Willard, The Great Omission

"Our good ideas and intentions are practically helpless in the face of what our body in the social context is poised to do automatically. Jesus, of course, understood all this very well. Thus, he knew that Peter's declaration that he would not deny him were irrelevant to what he would actually do in the moment of trial." Dallas Willard, The Great Omission

"So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus, Mathew 26

Recently I was able to see that Jesus truly believed that the spirit of the disciples was willing to do everything to support him, even to join him in prayer in a time of great struggle. It was the part of their self known as flesh that was weak - as ours is - to do that 'which we want to do'. This is especially true in social situations (partly the reason, apparently, why solitude & silence is so fundamental to our growth - maybe more on that later) because other people around us can and do help us to do the things that our spirit desires but, alas, it is also in these social situations where we see ourselves act seemingly without our control, doing the things we wish not to. Peter denied Jesus simply because that was the natural, protective reaction of his 'flesh'. Imagine the self-kicking he did for that.

"Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, 'Do you love Me?' And he said to Him, 'Lord, You know all things; You know that I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Tend My sheep.'" John 21: 17b

In response and forgiveness, what does Jesus tell Peter to do - 'Tend My sheep.' Jesus told him an action to do in order to work to correct a weakness in his flesh. But we cannot *try* not to break the law, and similarly we cannot just *try* to live as Jesus did. I think what I am beginning to learn is that Jesus told Peter to 'Tend My sheep' in order that Peter would be trained. To expand, it is as if the discipline of tending sheep is the active vehicle through which God works in grace in Peter's life - slowly creating a situation in which he is able to do that which previously he is unable to do by direct effort. (aside: Willard's definition of discipline is something that we make do in order that, through grace, we are able to do what we previously were unable to do by direct effort). This is part of how we are united together, as a body of people being trained. We cannot simply try to be good in selfish and hypocritical pursuits. BUT - thankfully, we can take steps into disciplines which allow the grace of God to work to train our flesh and renew and restore our soul in such a way that we will naturally act in the way that Christ did.

Lord please continue to work through your grace in my wretched and weak flesh!

Need for Love

"These days I can never look up at the sky and see the moon without thinking with wonder and awe that men have walked there. To conceive of such a thing - to desire such an adventure, to be capable of overcoming all fear, all doubt, to have faith in man's ability to solve problems, and seek out the way to go about this great exploration - what dedication of mind and will! 'What is man that thou art mindful of him? Thou hast made him little less than the angels.' It keeps coming into my mind - how much man would be capable of if his soul were strong in the love of God, if he wanted God as much as he wanted to penetrate the power and glory of God's creation.

To know Him, to love Him, and to love Him, and to serve Him - a personal God, who took on human flesh and became man and suffered and died for us. To find the way, not to the moon but to God - this is man's[sic] real desire, because of his need for love, and God is love."

Dorothy Day, The Catholic Worker, March-April 1976

I think often what amazes me in my poor understanding of God, but in my search after Him, is discovering the true desires of my heart. It can also be so frustrating at times to think how lost one can be - grasping and seeking out the ' penetration of the power and glory of God's creation' because sometimes that's all we know - sometimes that's all we want to know. It is also heartbreaking to look around and see all the energy put towards finding a way to love without ever thinking of the source and power of love itself. I believe wholly and truly that resting in the love of the heart of God is what I desire and I need. It is often, however, that I do not act in a way that shows this conclusion to be evident, even worse, in a way that enables me to grow closer to the heart of God.

But isn't it good that life is long - in order that we may have time to learn.

My New Favourite Song

WOW - today I bought the Old Man Luedecke album because I love singing a long to his fun, poppy, and cheery songs. Little did I know I would find my new favourite song ever about my favourite event! You can't wipe the smile off my face! Please enjoy the only version I could find online:

Big Group Breakfast